I have that “Old Lady” thing where I like to watch true crime TV. Right now, it’s the Jodi Arias coverage on HLN. I might have to stop watching Dr. Drew though, because it is making me paranoid.
Dr. Drew suggests that along with a sociopathic tendency (kind of obvious), Jodi has a borderline personality. He focuses on the borderline part.
I realized after reading my release papers from Georgia Regional that I had been (Axis 2) diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had no explanation for this diagnosis. My current person I see (a nurse) dismisses it, but it made sense to me. I had always felt that there was something else wrong with me besides depression. Bipolar disorder didn’t quite fit. Borderline kinda does.
Without going into the silly details, I have massive mood swings. A nasty tendency to turn off my emotions when I feel overwhelmed. Oh, and the cutting. The only thing I cut these days is my hair, but I started dragging a shaving razor along my arms in my 20’s. Yes, it’s weirdly cathartic, and calming, and I’m horrified when I meet anyone else who is a cutter. I once saw a girl in my place of employment with tons of tiny reddened marks on her arms. Mine aren’t noticeable.
But the idea of a borderline diagnosis seems to suggest a person without the ability to care for others, and I don’t think that’s me. I do think that I exist in this tenuous place between neurosis and psychosis (the original diagnosis for borderline) and I have a fear that I’ll flip the switch one day. At the same time, I couldn’t hurt anyone, physically, beyond myself. Emotionally, yeah, I can be liked a caged animal. I am trying to learn to react like normal people must feel.
I would like a few days where I don’t FEEL my diagnosis. I realize, to people with a physical disability, this seems pathetic. I can remember where I didn’t feel “crazy” every day; it was a long time ago.