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On the “Borderline”

I have that “Old Lady” thing where I like to watch true crime TV.  Right now, it’s the Jodi Arias coverage on HLN.  I might have to stop watching Dr. Drew though, because it is making me paranoid.

Dr. Drew suggests that along with a sociopathic tendency (kind of obvious), Jodi has a borderline personality.  He focuses on the borderline part.

I realized after reading my release papers from Georgia Regional that I had been (Axis 2) diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I had no explanation for this diagnosis.  My current person I see (a nurse) dismisses it, but it made sense to me.  I had always felt that there was something else wrong with me besides depression.  Bipolar disorder didn’t quite fit.  Borderline kinda does.

Without going into the silly details, I have massive mood swings.  A nasty tendency to turn off my emotions when I feel overwhelmed.  Oh, and the cutting.  The only thing I cut these days is my hair, but I started dragging a shaving razor along my arms in my 20’s.  Yes, it’s weirdly cathartic, and calming, and I’m horrified when I meet anyone else who is a cutter.  I once saw a girl in my place of employment with tons of tiny reddened marks on her arms.  Mine aren’t noticeable.

But the idea of a borderline diagnosis seems to suggest a person without the ability to care for others, and I don’t think that’s me.  I do think that I exist in this tenuous place between neurosis and psychosis (the original diagnosis for borderline) and I have a fear that I’ll flip the switch one day.  At the same time, I couldn’t hurt anyone, physically, beyond myself.  Emotionally, yeah, I can be liked a caged animal.  I am trying to learn to react like normal people must feel.

I would like a few days where I don’t FEEL my diagnosis.  I realize, to people with a physical disability, this seems pathetic.  I can remember where I didn’t feel “crazy” every day; it was a long time ago.

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About clocklearf

I've wanted to be a writer since the third grade.

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